I woke up this morning knowing what I was going to write in my next blog post but for the past 2 hours I have questioned my beliefs and wasn’t sure any more what I would write. So I decided I would just start typing and see where it leads me. You might not agree with what I write in this post, and that’s fine. I don’t mean to offend any one, these thoughts are my own and might change but today I’m writing about how everything in life happens for a reason.
One defining moment in my life was when I dropped out of high school (the reason I’ll let you know about in another blog post ). I dropped out with no qualifications. As a kid, for as long as I can remember I wanted to be an actor or famous (ironic because of my anxiety). Of course as many of us get older we realise that those are the things kids dream of and for most of us it doesn’t become a reality. So for me, growing up (besides wanting to be famous) I wanted to either be a nurse or a teacher. Growing up I always found it easier to talk to kids and it turns out I’m not that good with blood or dealing with sick people so I had my sights set on becoming a teacher. But because I dropped out of high school with no qualifications, I didn’t think it was going to happen. After leaving high school, I remember for about 6 months I went door knocking, trying to find an office job. At the time it was extremely hard on me, getting rejection after rejection. No body was willing to give me a job, no body was willing to take a chance on me. I felt useless and worthless and I didn’t know when or if I was ever going to get a break. After about 6 months of not getting an office job I ended up getting a job in an early childhood centre. This was closer to teaching, but turns out I got really bored with working with children under 5 years of age. At the time (this was some 16 years ago) working in the early childhood centre I was at was a lot like baby sitting. I know times have changed and that working in an early childhood centre today is a lot different! After about 6 months working there I applied to go to teacher college and got in under provisional registration. Looking back on it now, if I would have got one of those office jobs that I applied for I would never have gone teaching. Back then and even now to some degree I am someone who really doesn’t like to go out of their comfort zone. I like the known. If I got an office job back then, I would probably still be there. It would have been the safe and comfortable thing to do. I’m not someone who finds socialising easy. So if I had that office job I wouldn’t have gone to teachers college. Of course it is only looking back at it now that I can see that not getting that office job was the reason why I went to teachers college, but at the time getting rejection after rejection was hard and at the time I couldn’t see or didn’t know the reason why it wasn’t happening.
Looking back at my life there have been many things that have happened that at the time I’ve wondered why things were happening but things have always seemed to work out in one way or another. But maybe it is just because I just try to look for the positive. I’m someone who has suffered from anxiety attacks and someone who is anxious. I also have phobias. Thankfully I haven’t had an anxiety attack for many years but I still remember what it was like having them. For me I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like my heart was in my throat, my heart would pound and I felt sick and dizzy. They were horrible. I also have a phobia of vomiting, so any time I get sick I almost get so anxious that I have a panic attack because I think I might vomit. Any way….throughout the years I have met or heard people talking about people who have phobias and anxiety attacks. People who have never experienced these things, don’t understand how crippling they can be. But I can relate, so regardless of what the phobia is, I get it, I can some what understand what they are going through. Perhaps I have had to live and experience the phobias I have and the anxiety I have so that I can relate to and have empathy for others that other people can’t relate to or understand.
I guess the biggest thing that happened for a reason was how my husband (John) and I got together. How everything fell into place, definitely happened for a reason. John and I met when we first started high school when we were 13 years old. We ended up hanging out in the same group. Back then I never looked at John like that. He was just a mate. I remember one day John and I were sitting on a bank at school and I remember telling him not to worry ‘because one day he would find the girl of dreams’. Little did I know that one day him and I would be happily married with 2 beautiful kids. John left high school when he was 16 and I didn’t hear or see him for about 10 years. He went over to the UK for a few years and reluctantly came back to New Zealand. Even why he came back to New Zealand happened for a reason but that’s his own story to tell! When we first meet back up after 10 years, I can clearly remember it. It was the holidays and I was at my new school getting ready. After I finished I drove to Hells Pizza to get some food. While I was waiting my cellphone rung. I didn’t recognise the number and usually don’t answer phone calls unless I know who they are, but for what ever reason I answered the phone. It was John, who I hadn’t talked to in over 10 years. The night before he was at a bar and bumped into one of my old high school friends. He asked after me and she gave him my number. Any way he asked what I was doing and asked if I wanted to meet up in a bar. I got my pizza and headed off to the bar where John and 2 of his friends were. I know this sounds cheesy but when I saw John after all those years, it was like love at second sight! I had never looked at him like that before but when I saw him after all those years there was definitely a spark. After about a month or so we decided that we wanted to have kids, so we got married and have been happily married for over 8 years now.
Just after I thought about this idea for this blog post I started questioning it. My theory of everything happens for a reason isn’t exactly straight forward is it? Over 10 years ago when my dad died in an accident, why did that have to happen? What was the reason behind that? My dad was my everything. I have thought about this question over the years. Dad died when he was working underneath one of the cars he owned. The car slipped off the jacks and crushed him to death. My dad had a triple by pass when I was younger, he was the type of man who would never live in a retirement village. It would have broken him if he ended up hospitalised for what ever reason. So for dad to have died the way he did, doing something he loved, was actually a good way for him to go. It was better that he went that way, instead of maybe ending up in hospital one day with his spirit broke. Of course I’m just guessing because I don’t know what would have happened to dad if he didn’t die that day. I guess I could look at things either way.
Then of course I started thinking about all those people who die in natural disasters, who die from an illness or who are murdered. Why do those things happen? I can’t comment because I am not someone who has ever lost any one this way. I think I might feel one way but until it actually happens to you, you don’t actually know how you would feel about the world and how you would react. So I’m not going to comment because I don’t think I have the right to. But for me, for everything that has happened in my life has seemed to have happened for a reason. Some times that reason takes years to become clear but it always has.